There are two sides to every marriage: God's side and the devil's side. I have a choice to make every morning. Am I going to be on God's team, for my marriage? Or am I going to listen to the devil and my sinful nature and work against God's plans for us?
It seems like one morning I woke up and realized the honeymoon was over. For me, I also realized I didn't know this man very well. When we were dating we were able to keep our masks on so that we didn't realize what we were getting into. Once the masks fell off during everyday life, we both were faced with someone new to get to know. How do you begin to work as a team with someone you don't really know? If we don't remember what unites us, the devil will work to divide us. God wants us to remember we're on His team, but some days it feels like we're on separate teams.
Last week I started facilitating the class Respectfully Yours, loveandrespect.com. I'm always drawn to marriage classes because I am held accountable by the women around me. When I don't remember what unites my husband and I, I am prone to rebel. This is a fantastic study, just for women, because it builds on the scriptures, including Ephesians 5:33. The NIV says, "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."
If there's one thing I've noticed working with women, we don't like to be told what to do, even by God. If I don't remember that I have made God my Lord and Master, I am prone to rebel. The ladies in class asked for tips, so I thought I would share them here.
1. Stop complaining about his driving! To go a little further with that, stop complaining, period. Remember how much trouble the Israelites got into by grumbling? (See Numbers 16:41 and 49) Being critical of our husbands will not get us very far, in fact, our critical spirit can be contagious! Let's make sure it's not something our kids can catch!
2. Remember: we're not the Holy Spirit. It's not my job to point out every flaw of my husband. I'm pretty sure he already knows them. My job is to grow my trust in God, and let Him convict anything in my husband that needs to change. Now, sometimes we do have to speak up, but when I stop and pray before I speak, my words end up being spoken in love, and there are many less than I what I originally wanted to say. One of my favorite verses is Exodus 14:14. In the AMP version it says, "The Lord will fight for you while you (only need to) keep silent and remain calm." This sounds great, right? It's easy to say, much harder to put into practice. Moses was encouraging the people to trust God, which is what I encourage you to do, as well. God is fighting for your marriage: He is on your side. You just want to remember your husband is on your side, as well. When we forget, we rebel.
3. Give up your need to be right...about everything. Emerson Eggerichs, author of Love and Respect and Respectfully Yours, explains this very well. He asks the question, is it possible to both be right? The answer is yes! You may both be right, you just have different opinions. As you navigate life with your spouse, there will be plenty of opportunities to compromise. Some things will seem more important to you than him, and that's ok. As you choose to respect him, it gets easier to not have to be "winning" all the time. Remember, you're both on the same team. If you feel like you have to win, the marriage is actually losing in the long run.
NOT WRONG, JUST DIFFERENT
4. Stop pushing the buttons. You and your husband both have sensitivities in your spirits. Those may have been put there by trauma, past bad experiences with people, or by each other. It's easier to push that button than it is to be real with each other, but I would encourage you to press in and love your husband instead. Ephesians 4:26-27, ESV, "Be angry and do not sin: do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil." When we goad our husband, provoking him to anger, we are inviting the devil into somewhere he loves to play. Notice in the verse it says, do not let the sun go down on YOUR anger. You are responsible for your anger and working through that with God, not taking it out on your husband.
5. Accept your husband's love-the way he wants to show it. Again, there will be opportunities about what you may prefer, and when you are both listening to each other without any complaining or provoking going on, it's amazing how your husband will move closer to what he perceives you want from him. Remember, you are both on the same side.
6. Don't try to control him by denying sex. I understand you may feel hurt, but this is not the area to express your hurt feelings to your husband. First Corinthians 7:3-7 addresses this issue. The big aha at the end of the verses is that by denying each other or trying to control in this area, you are giving Satan an advantage over you. See disclaimer *
I'm pretty sure you got married to someone you wanted to be with for the rest of your life. However, once the masks came off that doesn't mean you just get to opt out. You promised to love, honor and cherish your spouse until death do us part. When you remember you're on the same side and trust the Lord to help you, it is possible to make this happen. Drop me a comment! I would love to talk about how you're doing!
Disclaimer: There are situations of unfaithfulness or trauma that would cause boundaries to have to be put into place in the area of sex. Your husband should love your body as his own, which means he's not going to do anything to hurt you. There are also times when abuse has happened. I would encourage you to find a trusted counselor to talk this out with. I can also help with setting up boundaries. Lysa Terkeurst has a great book out, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, that walks through appropriate boundaries. You can find it on Amazon or at Proverbs 31, proverbs31.org
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